Monday, July 25, 2011

Supper Time by Col Bury

Things began to look a bit grim the day me cock fell off.
I knew my festered state made it likely that this kinda thing would happen, having lost an ear one particularly windy night. But fuck me, please, not my old purple-headed warrior for pity’s sake! To be fair, I’m kinda twirling you saying, ‘purple’, cos it’s been edging toward greeny-brown recently. But, hey, a cock’s a cock, and mine was a belter, even if I do say so me-self. And things just ain’t the same without it.
Am supposing you may wanna hear how it happened. Well, okay, then.
Me an’ a few friends were scouring the streets for fresh flesh, when we sees this tasty piece of stuff running across the road, screaming. Like flies round shit, we’re onto her. But she’s fast, and makes it into this decrepit looking barn.
I admit, we just, stereotypically, bang on the locked wooden door, all wide-eyed, grunting, groaning and drooling. Pathetic really, looking back. Then, in the moonlight, this madman steams round the corner and starts swinging a fuckin’ samurai sword. Before I could even say, “Supper time,” there’s black blood everywhere, an’ two of me buddies’ heads are rolling past me on the floor. It was quite a shock.
This maniac goes through us like there’s no tomorrow. He’s bang out of order, in my humble opinion. So, it’s just me an’ Gwendolyn left. I sees him swinging for her, as his smirking bitch peers down from the barn’s window.
I’m thinking, “If I can’t have your bird, then you’re not havin’ mine.” So I jumps in front of Gwendolyn. That’s when the sword hits me square in the dick. It wasn’t that painful, but I sensed summat was wrong when I felt a gush running down me leg. Yep, me cock was hanging by a bloody thread.
Anyway, the fucker’s still swinging and I ducks down an’ he’s off balance. Bingo! We’re onto him like hyenas on a carcass. As we tears into each sinew, I looks at the bitch upstairs. She ain’t smirking now. But I am, as I chews an eyeball until it pops.
Now, I knows how Gwendolyn likes a bit a cock, but just as she goes to bite this guy’s, I shout, “NO!”
Being the lady that she is, Gwendolyn recoils an’ leaves it for me, and I uses the sword to do the necessary.
I’m pretty pleased with Gwendolyn really, cos she knows I does the dirt on her with some of the other ladies, and she could ‘ve got me back there an’ then. But I did save her death, didn’t I?
Okay, now, Gwendolyn’s no embroiderer, but she’s better than me cos I’m a bloke. So later on, we searches the many empty houses around these parts and finally finds a needle an’ cotton. It’s fair to say, the maniac’s cock wasn’t exactly sufficient to replace mine, but, like I says, a cock’s a cock. An’ at least this one was a bit of a looker - all pink an’ new looking. Result! I feels like a man again.
Or so I thought.
The fact that Gwendolyn sowed it on upside-fookin-down hasn’t affected our relationship too much. But she smirks at me now an’ then, which kinda pisses me off a bit. The bitch.


  1. He! Good fun that, Col. Still trying to imagine what it looks like upside down.

  2. Terrific, Col; dark, funny and a cracking voice. Fancy sewing it on upside down, he must have felt a right little prick! I'll get my coat...

  3. Ha! Hilarious - what an opening line. Did you squirm at ANY time as you wrote this?

    A belter.

  4. That's a good one Col. Hope to hear more about this character, a lot of fun!

  5. At least she didn't toss it in the garbage disposal.

    Why is there not art to go along with this? It's practically screaming to be illustrated.

    Lovely, Col. I just had a very long, hard (heh) day at work, and I totally needed this. This and a beer. That part's next.

  6. Super stuff! Love this Col, normally, not a fan of zombies, it's all pretty stereotyped, but this ... I could gnaw on another any time!


  7. By the great wooden spoon of delicious! Wall beatin' headbanger of a story Col. Practically speaking though, wouldn't the upside down thing work summ'at better. With the globes on top, the downstream pressure might just go off the charts. The stream might just blow the next swordsman right off his feet an' save ya a bit o' bother.
    Gotta go, my sides hurt from laughin'. Thanks, mate.

  8. Great story, Col but why would he sew a rooster to his...oooooooohhh - never mind.

  9. Chris,
    Thanks for the invite, bud. Really had fun writing this. Never written a zombie story before, so I hope I didn't cock it up!

    Hope the image doesn't linger till 'supper time', especially if yer havin' a sausage butty. :-)

    LOL. No need to get yer coat. Good to hear from you - cheers, mate.

    To be honest, I kinda felt detached (!!!) as I wrote this, so "No, not really." And ,I was pretty chuffed with that opening line - it certainly grabbed my attention when it popped up (sorry).

    I sure he'll arise (coughs) again. Thanks, bud.

    He-he. I'm really pleased it helped you unwind after work. Hope you enjoyed your beer(s). Thanks.

    Hey, nice to hear from you. It's quite tricky not doing the predictable in this genre, so I appreciate your feedback.

    LMAO! Your comments (all around the net) make me piss me sides too, so thank YOU, buddy!

    Unlike Al (above), I think you should actually get your coat! Kidding, ta mate.

    Funny thing is, since this is out of my norm, when I read it back it was like someone else had written it. Must be the brandy :-)

    Regards to all,

  10. Ha ha - great fun! Nice work, mate. :)

  11. Nice one, Col. That put a smile on my face.

  12. Ha ha! Love it!

    Very fresh. Very funny.

  13. Really enjoyed that. Tremendous opening line and very entertaing to read.

  14. Great, great fun, Col! I don't know why so many movies assume that all the Zombies are staying on this side of "the Ditch", when there's obviously such great fun to be had with the undead everywhere else!

    I love the fact that he's intelligent enough to narrate, but rotten enough to enjoy eating an eyeball. And the accent's perfect (though I can't quite place it, I'm assuming it ain't "Cockney" ... sorry- had to.)

  15. Julie,
    Glad you enjoyed it. Ta very much.

    Thanks, fella. I was smiling as I wrote it - well, more of a devilsh grin!

    Thanks for reading and commenting (and laughing).

    Cheers, bud. My 'inner boy' is proud of that line.

    Brit Zombies are alive... er...'n' kicking. Remember 'Shaun of the Dead'?
    The accent is a kinda hybrid Manc/country bumpkin mix... he just sorta started talkin' to me... problem is, now he won't stop! :-)


  16. A great piece of writing, Col, that had me laughing out loud! Well done, buddy.

    Right, I'm off to see what my cock looks like upside down!!

  17. Absolutely brilliant vivid physical writing Col. I thought we were on the good ship Venus.

  18. Why do I hear "Detachable Penis" playing in my mind. Hilarious story...

  19. Dave,
    Glad you found it amusing, mate. (Well, how did it look? LOL.)

    Thanks for the compliment. Always a boost to get praise from you, bud.


  20. Horror and humour at the same time.Brilliant piece of writing.Cheers Col.


  21. Katherine,
    LOL. (Sorry I missed you there.) Cheers! x

    After all those reads, you finally worked out how to comment! Nice one, mate.

    Thank you all for the wonderful feedback. I had fun 'n' am glad you did too.


  22. Holy Crap, Col. I loved this. I say you write this full-time. Roaring good stuff.

  23. Thanks, Chad. Dunno whether I could sustain this lark full-time, but I think these two might just come alive again...


  24. Ha! That's brilliant right there. Like that we're getting the zombie's take on the whole thing.

  25. So, when you say 'she sewed it upside down', do you mean that he... er... you know... oh heck, never mind... I'm just gonna embarrass myself here... haha!

    I do love the 'voice' in this, Col. This is a great, dark, funny tale... I loved the bit about chewing the eyeball. I can almost picture that juicy center oozing from between his lips as he chews.... yuck! :)

    So glad I waited until dinner was well-digested before I picked this up.

    Great little write... thank you!

    1. Veronica,
      Glad you, er, 'enjoyed' it! :-)